Let's Get Brainwashed.

I am so disoriented today. Even though I was only one hour ahead of my usual time this last week, I didn't get to experience enough sunlight. So tonight I have been so confused - is it 2pm or 4pm? Did I wake up really early or really late? I couldn't tell if it was lunch time or dinner time. So weird.

Our last class for the week was uneventful. We had to give presentations about the projects we intend to work on, but they were very informal, so there was no need to prepare for them other than show your project template. On one of our breaks I ran to the restroom, and it was full - there were all these all old men relieving themselves. Finally one of them went to the sink and there was an opening for me to proceed. The guy at the sink said, "Old men are like puppies!" and they all laughed. The guy near me turned to another older gent and asked him, "Do you pee often?" And the other guy said "Yep" like it was the most unfortunate thing to have happened to him.

My comrades from the previous night asked where I had disappeared to, so I just said I was tired and went back to the hotel. They had gone back for Metalhed's second set, which was just as good, they said.

Now I am in the airport. A great thing I noticed here was that people were checking out the art on display here. I love it when art is public, and anyone can walk up and check it out. Then I found a mini-museum here - just a little room with art. The current exhibition? "On the Ball" - which is all about balls. Baseball, basketball, ping pong balls, tennis balls, soccer balls, etc. Everything was family friendly, in case you're wondering if there were any other explicit riffs off the theme.

I have to do this four more times. This whole week wasn't unbearable, so I think I will survive, and I think with the coming months the weather will be better and the daylight will be around longer so I can go outside more for running and stuff. I think it will be interesting to see this place over the next several months. There is a lot of construction going on, and I imagine that each time I visit there will be enough progress to notice. Maybe they will complete the condos they are building that I can see from my hotel window. Maybe the university's construction will be complete and students will be hovering around whatever it is they are building. I, and you, shall have to wait and see.

I really hope to bring my camera next time.

I went to The Library. First thing - they not only carded me, but they asked if I had a second form of ID. I guess my driver's license looked suspicious. So I said no - how many people carry two IDs? He asked about a student ID. I said no - did he see my age? So he let me through. I used my pass to get in free.

There were actual books throughout the bar, on the walls and above the bar. I liked that. I finally found the guys in my class, three of them, and they ordered me a beer. Nothing on tap, so I settled for Heineken. Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Immediately they started talking about The Librarians, the girls in the short plaid skirts and fishnet tops and red bras. They were dancing on the bar countertop to "I Love Rock and Roll." Aye, how long has it been since I hung out with straight guys like this? And I know one of them was married - makes no difference, I guess. "I'm old enough to be her lover," one guy said. And the girls! What were they thinking? I felt like I was their brother or father - I wanted to cover them up.

Metalhed started and they were hilarious. They played songs like "Panama" and other 80's hair band cover songs. I detached myself from the whole scene and thought - how weird! I'm in a funny city listening to this cover band, and I'm with these guys from all over the continent! I really wanted to take notes of the whole thing - there was so much happening that was strange but ordinary that I wanted to write down, but it wasn't practical, or even acceptable behavior for the setting. "I thought this was the library. Why is it so noisy in here?" I should have asked.

Then this girl near me, who was bumpin' and grindin' to this rock music rubbed up against me and asked where I was from. I told her, and she said she was from - are you ready for this, UT? - Minnesota! She asked what I was here for - I said training. She then pointed to her teeth and said, Dental? It took a few minutes to figure out that she was here for some kind of dental school training, and I explained that I was here for process improvement training. Then the guys in my group joked that she was my girlfriend. I moved away from her, and she obviously got the hint, because pretty much every guy who stopped near her, she grabbed and tried to talk to or dance with. So funny! She moved to the front and was headbanging to the music.

Then a guy in my group pointed out the guitarist's shirt: "Sorry girls, the drummer is gay." I laughed - whatever. Then the band made jokes about Lance Bass coming in and checking out the lead singer, and then they called up the Librarians to dance while they performed the next song. From that point on, it was the typical guy/girl jokes, with the band members panting over the Librarians, and making jokes about who was gay in the band. I thought, give it a rest. That humor gets stale really quick.

We left after their first break, and were about to go downstairs to another bar when one of the guys in my group made a comment to one of two girls passing by. She seemed offended or something, so another guy in my group asked the other, "Why'd you say that?" The girl then seemed even more offended, and said something. I don't remember what she said exactly, but something to the effect of: "Hey, at least guy 1 noticed me, even though he said something offensive. What's wrong with you, guy #2? You didn't get a load of this hot body? Then you're a homo."

She left, but sent her friend back to say to all of us that we're all homos. My group started flirting with her, and they went downstairs with her to the other bar, and I just left. I had had enough of this. I felt like they were living in the 80s or something. I just felt sick. I don't want to listen to people insult each other by calling the other gay or homo. It bothers me that it's still an insult to someone to say that. I guess I forgot how much of the country still thinks this way. And what can you say to bunch of drunk people who are saying this kind of stuff? Get defensive, and then have them get more agitated and do something really stupid and possibly violence? I just walked away, and in the elevator agreed with the man who said, "What a night."

As a way to bookend my first week here, I went to the state university library on Monday night, and now for my last night here I have been invited to a bar called The Library. This ain't no library, though. A guy at my table gave me a pass so there is no cover charge and no waiting in line. Aren't I special? The pass is funny because it has this woman in a girl school outfit (white shirt, plaid skirt), but she's just popping out of her shirt. Oh, and she has a nose ring. "This card allows you to not wait in line and not pay cover on the night of your choice."

Tonight's my night! Metalhead is playing tonight. Rad.

Check them out here.

An item we learned about today called The Medicine Wheel, based on something from Lakota Sioux, which is supposed to help when starting a new team. It's based on your personality - there are 4 types, and they break it up by North/South, East/West. Here are the characteristics:

NORTH
Direct
Decisive
Quick to Act
Likes to Be in Charge
Assertive
Confrontational
Takes Risks
Task-oriented

SOUTH
Supportive
Team Player
Values Feelings Nurturing
People Oriented
Trusting
Vulnerable
Open

EAST
Big Picture
Visionary
Creative
Idea Person
Artistic
Experimenter
Innovative
Works in Spurts of Energy

WEST
Thorough
Analytical
Practical
Careful
Likes Research
Conservative
Pragmatic
Finds Flaws
Detail Oriented

We were only allowed to pick one of the directions, and then we grouped ourselves in the room accordingly. Most people are a mix of these, and if you were to plot it out on an x/y axis, no one would be on the actual axis lines, but in quadrants, like North-East, South-West, etc.

So what are you, if you had to choose one?

Class ended forty minutes early, so I went for a run. It was just what I needed, as I wasn't in a good mood at the end of class. I was just tired of the long day and the slightly claustrophobic feeling of being in a hotel most of the day. So a run through the state university was fantastic. I saw all the cute kids waiting for shuttles. This is a funny campus to me because it has actual streets going through it. I'm more familiar with campuses that are like little terrariums tucked into the loose skin of a city.

When I got back I relaxed a bit then dressed to go find some dinner. It was awkward when I arrived at the main lobby of the hotel because all the guys from my class were standing together, presumably ready to go out. The Texans (there are 3 guys from Texas) had big grins on their faces. I don't know why it was just them. They weren't grinning at me or anyone, they were just giddy about getting out. One guy from my table group saw me so I said "heey," almost like Fonzie would say it if he were an introvert and had flat hair.

I found a burrito place, which was nothing special, but at least I could take my food back to my room. And to my surprise, as I was going back into the hotel, all the ladies from my class were together and leaving. They were bundled up in black coats, like it's Minnesota or something here.

I found it funny that all the boys were together and all the girls together, hanging out separately. The boys seemed ready for happy hour and the girls seemed ready for shoe shopping. And then there's me, running around town and hiding in my room. I'm just not that interested in socializing here.

One of the interesting things about this experience is that I get to meet people who work in different industries and do jobs that I never even considered as a possibility. There are people from manufacturing, logistics, grocery stores, pharmaceuticals, paper making, and more. Almost all the people in the class don't touch the actual product their company makes. Instead, like me, we are behind the scenes working on things that have numbers and costs and procedures. So it was very odd today to hear a woman in my group discuss having too much inventory for her company - and she said they order animals for testing drugs on them. A monkey, she said is $5,000, and if they order too many monkeys for a test, and cannot use the monkey in any other tests, they lose the money they spent. I don't even want to know what happens to that monkey. For this woman, though, the monkey is just a line item on the budget and actual spending reports. She never sees the monkey, or tests they do on the monkey. Isn't it strange how detached many of us are from what is used to produce the actual product for customers?

A strange thing happened as I walked around tonight. I stood beside a parking lot that had a planter dividing some parking spaces. There were 2 trees and some little bushes, the rest of it filled with small rocks, like mulch would be used. Anyway, all of sudden there was this gurgling sound and some water squirted out at my feet. Then it seemed to spit a little stream. I jumped away, and it stopped. I walked behind the spot where it came from and there was a slurping sound. It looked like there was a gleaming eye between the rocks - a toad, I thought? A sprinkler? But why so little water.

No more water came out, even though I stood near it for another ten minutes or so (I was on the phone, not standing around waiting exclusively for the toad to strike again).

Today was a little frustrating because we got into a lot of statistics, which I haven't touched in years, and not ever to the level of detail like today. There were lots of letters with subscript letters, like Ytp (through-put Yield), Dpo (Defects per occurrence), and more. In my group, I think I gave away my ignorance with blank stares. Then, although the intent was nice, everyone tried to explain the concepts to me - all at once. It was like they were fighting over who could explain it best. I said, "I got it," over and over, but they wouldn't stop.

After lunch (which I whisked away up to my room to check out the new Apple announcements - by the way, I forgot a fork, and didn't want to walk all the way back to the restaurant, so I just ate with my fingers), a man who had attended this training/education a year ago was here to tell us about his latest project. He works for a tobacco company - the smokeless kind, he pointed out at the beginning. Halfway through he took a sip of water and decided to tell us why he was drinking water. "I had a few too many beers last night," he said.

I almost fell asleep during the continuous/discrete data discussion, and left for a few minutes while doing another group activity.

Tomorrow, I get to be the Green Operator for an exercise to demonstrate waste in the process of a signing up for a new credit card.

I am totally DYING right now because of the Macbook Air announcement, and no one here could care less. I have shot out several emails to Mac fans, but that is not enough. I need someone to celebrate with me right now. AGGG! Oh good, a phone call.

Today's class was rather mild. Nothing major - just introductions into various topics we will be exploring in more detail for the weeks to come. I was so tired the last two hours. I could barely stay awake.

Afterward, I went over to the happy hour. It was mild too. I was a fraud, and drank only soda. I met some people who were in their last week of training, so they offered some advice (week 3 is intense, finish up your project proposal before week 2). I left after an hour, and ordered a falafel wrap for dinner. I ate it in my hotel room.

That was rather boring, so I walked down to the state university, which is next to my hotel and extends for the next five or six blocks. I went to the library, which was beautiful in its mid-century modern building. I glanced at a few books, then headed over to the student bookstore, and selected a spiral notebook for my own class. This required a lot of thought as there were so many choices. Then I perused the aisles of textbooks. Finally I selected a mechanical pencil to write notes in my Gary Lutz book.

And then! I wandered over to the music hall, and eyed the rehearsal rooms. There was an empty one, and also a man who was looking into each room. He had some kind of key device, although it wasn't a regular key - it looked like the handle to a light saber from Star Wars, and every so often he put it in an outlet next to a rehearsal door. I waited for him to leave, and then the two girls walking by. I dove into the empty room and switched on the light. There was a simple black upright piano. It seemed to say, "Oh,hello there," to me. I locked the door and pounced on its keys.

The sound on this piano was just gorgeous. I flipped the lid up higher to see that it was a Yamaha U1F. It had such great sound, and the keys were perfect to the touch. I played for a bit, then ran out before the guy with the light saber key device came back.

That was the thrill for the night. Now I am in the hotel room again, and I am disappointed because a new pair of socks I bought on Saturday already has holes. They must be made of really cheap material.

As part of our introductions to the class, we had to interview the person next to us and find out a few things about him or her. The most interesting part of the interview, and the presentations that followed, was the "little known fact" about each of them. Some of these facts were:

Building a cottage
Had anxiety about flying
A pilot
Hockey player
Minor league baseball player
Bad at sports with balls
Likes horses
A preacher
A composer

Guess which one was me.

This morning we had to say what our expectations were for the "training" (more on that word later) in our groups of 5. I sit close to the door, which I appreciate, as I have an animal tendency to want to run out when we get our breaks each hour. We had to write our expectations on a flip chart, and then someone else had to read them off to the class. I was the scribe, and wrote my group's list in red marker, but the ink ran out, so I had to switch to black.

Most groups said the typical: learn the tools to improve things at their work, save their company money, learn from others in the class how they handle problems, etc. One expectation that struck me, though, from another group was this: Learn to see to world differently. I felt that whoever in the group said this was looking to this "training" as the solution to her worldview problems. The instructor mentioned how his wife said not to bring any of this type of analysis we will be learning into the house. He said it as a joke, but there is some truth to it.

Anyway, the response "see the world differently" fits in nicely with the title of this web log. I think her chalkboard is just trembling for the first touch of the eraser to clean her slate and tickle her with its new inscriptions, but this time not in chalk - instead permanent marker.

About the word "training" - the instructor said he doesn't like that word because it implies him teaching us and we do what he says. He prefers to call this an "education," which is where we are in control and we are learning and critically thinking and challenging things ourselves. I appreciated this, because it contrasts with what I just said about the woman and her chalkboard brain. The instructor does not seem to be the preachy type, or to say that this is the answer to everything. Again, another point to appreciate.

We are at lunch now. I must run back downstairs and steal another biscuit.

I arrived thirsty. The cup of water on the plane was not enough, and by the time I was in the hotel shuttle, I wanted one thing: cool water down my throat. And I wanted it in a glass.

In the shuttle, there were 10 of us, and 6 of them seemed to know each other. I wondered, are they here for the same thing I am? They made jokes about corporate real estate going for $82,000 and how one guy purposely did not email another guy about dinner plans, but he invited everyone else. That got a big laugh.

When I checked in to the hotel, the guy complimented me on my t-shirt. Then he handed me an envelope with my name on it. There was a letter inside from the training academy. It basically said welcome, "we look forward to an exciting five weeks," and that continental breakfast would be served beginning at 7:00 am, and my class begins at 8:00am.

In my hotel room I got my water, and drank it from a glass - and refilled it 4 times. The room is nice. Not worth the $200 a night my company will pay for it, but it's their money, and it's the same place as the "academy" classroom.

I read Gary Lutz on the plane ride. Stories in the Worst Way is his first collection. I recommend it. Here are some interesting sentences:

"I lived in an apartment, defined as a state or condition of being apart. My life was cartoned off in three rooms and bath, one of several dozen lives banked above a side street. I convinced myself that there were hours midway through the night when the walls slurred over and became membranes, allowing seepages and exchanges from unit to unit; hours when the tenants, all asleep except me, dispersed themselves into the air and mixed themselves with their neighbors. This at least accounted for dreams that rarely jibed with experiences."

"Because I had colitis, I divided much of my between-class time among seventeen carefully chosen faculty restrooms, never following the same itinerary two days in a row, using a pocket notebook to keep track."

"The woman possessed an appropriately full, planetlike face."

"And here comes what your life will never be the same after which, the same way mine has already never been: my face was bent right over the kid's other knee. The knee was aimed right at me.

I got a whiff of it, all right. I got the hell out of there.

Who hasn't lived life expressly to avoid having to one day inhale something that entire? It was the complete, usurping smell of how the world had ground itself onto somebody else."

Good night.

This web log will be the place I document my experiences learning a systematic way of improving business processes, finding efficiencies, cutting costs, and other practices that corporations find particularly erotic. I have been selected to attend 5 weeks of training, one week a month, to learn about all these tools that I should then be able to apply at my company and help them realize profits and customer satisfaction that they have sought so long to attain. Hope you stick around this week, and check in on the following months as I explore this strange world as an anthropologist would. It should be fun, and either you'll feel really jealous you missed out on this opportunity to go yourself, or feel extremely sorry for me that I have to endure such a test of brainwashery. Perhaps as I go through this training I won't be so polarized, and I'll find some happy medium. That's how most adventures into new cultures end. Stay tuned.